Angels from Another Pin
(Eschatological aspirations)


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31 December 2002 ::   Yeah, well, end more. It's not ending enough!  
The last day of the year strikes me as a good time to point you towards the lovable loonies at the Singularity Institute. These guys are imminentizing the eschaton by attempting to build an artificial intelligence. I consider that AI work by extropians is generally going to founder on the usual reefs of wishful thinking and fuzzy-headedness, but I'm certainly not going to ask them to stop trying.

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The Hatfields and McCoys are still feuding, this time over access to a cemetery (and, incidentally, large amounts of tourist money).

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Mike Ryan

30 December 2002 ::   Act II: Archibald and Dr. Christmas fight to the death on Mt. Rushmore  
A Miracle of Science is updated with some random stuff we had lying around in the attic.

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Scientists mapping the bottom of the Hudson River have found several hundred shipwrecks in the muck. This has caused some consternation, as publishing maps of the river soundings would open the wrecks to treasure hunters and amateur divers, both of whom could damage the wrecks' archaeological value and/or get themselves hurt.

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27 December 2002 ::   Give a man a turkey sandwich, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to turkey sandwich, and he will eat for a lifetime.  
Dr. Stephen Hill, an archaeologist at the University of Warwick in England, has discovered the world's unluckiest church. Sitting atop a cliff in Asia Minor, the church was partially wrecked by a couple of earthquakes, a flood, and a landslide before it was abandoned to become a hangout for the smoking of opium.

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Florida, which appears to have decided to become the focus of all the world's weirdness, has an outbreak of hairless bears.

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Jessica Gothie

26 December 2002 ::   Ancient words of power may cut it in some other profession, but not in the exciting world of toaster repair!  
The next page of A Miracle of Science is up.

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Archaeologists in Egypt think they may have determined the location of the tomb of Pharaoh Amenhotep I. The archaeologists believe that KV.39 is the resting place of the Pharaoh, and the oldest tomb in the Valley of the Kings.

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How do you know if the materials entombing nuclear waste will keep their contents safely contained for centuries to come? Ask the archaeologists. This is yet more proof that there is no such thing as useless knowledge; it is all used for something, eventually.

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25 December 2002 ::   A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral  
Stalin Claus You may wonder how it is possible for Santa to deliver presents (and the occasional lump of coal) to children all over the world in just one night. The science fiction community has you covered, with six different possible explanations for everyone's favorite jolly old elf.
One perennial explanation for the Santa phenomenon is that "Claus" and his comrades represent a communist effort to undermine the moral fiber of our youth and the free enterprise of our commercial toy manufacturers. According to this theory, Santa's workshop is little more than [a] communist workers' collective, flooding our market with free toys in order to bring our economic system to its knees. Proponents of this theory also point to the red Santa suit and the dictator-like beard as signs of Santa's Bolshevik origins.

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Six-year-old Leanne Bellouny of New Jersey has obtained an assurance that Santa's reindeer have a waiver for the state's new law banning the importation of elk or deer. Said New Jersey DEP Commissioner Bradley Campbell, "The rules you were worried about only apply to reindeer on the ground. We made the rule to keep the reindeer that live in New Jersey from getting sick. But flying reindeer are just fine and are always welcome in New Jersey."

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The movie A Christmas Story is playing over and over and over on cable right now. Jean Shepherd, who wrote the stories that became the movie, was involved in a brilliant hoax in the 1950s: Shepherd and his listeners created - and engaged in word-of-mouth advertising for - a book which didn't exist, called I, Libertine. The imaginary book became a bestseller. Lest you think this is a hoax for a new era, promulgated on the Internet, I direct you to the newspaper clippings from the time.

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24 December 2002 ::   It's Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Marley: "I and I think I spend too long in Babylon, mon." --Steve Luttrell and Matt Smith  
As always, US Space Command is tracking Santa as the jolly old elf delivers presents worldwide. This year he's being given a fighter escort, presumably as a sign of respect for his position as the titular king of the Arctic Circle.

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Astronomers using data from the Clementine mission have found the crater created by the impact seen by Leon Stuart in 1953. This is the youngest known crater on the Moon.

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A real ecologist expounds on the ecological niche of vampires in Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
In principle, ecologists might employ two basic strategies to get at a problem like this. The empiricists would go out and find a field site where they could actually observe predators and their prey, and just tally the results over time. The theoreticians would chuckle at the empiricists, and construct mathematical models that probably approximate the behavior of populations in the field, keeping their hands more or less clean in the process.

In real life, most ecologists use both strategies off and on. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any real life vampire populations in the field, so we’re going to have to pretend that we are strict theoreticians. That means that we’ll be using math: some algebra, some calculus, and some matrix theory. This is O.K.! It hurts a lot less than, say, getting bitten by a vampire as you’re trying to fit the bugger with a radio collar.

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23 December 2002 ::   I believe every word that man just said, because it's exactly what I wanted to hear  
I am now absolutely certain we are living in the Future. You can buy for your child a small toy which allows the little tyke to precipitate DNA. The Web site says: "Following the protocols in this kit you will actually be able to see DNA precipitate (come out of solution), handle, spool, and lift the DNA out of the test tube. The objectives of this kit are to enable its audience to understand how to extract a visible mass of DNA, learn about physical and chemical properties of DNA, and explain cell lysis, denaturation, precipitation, super coiling, high molecular mass, and double stranded helix. Perfect for children ages 10 and up. Adult supervision is advised. $11.95" (Search for "DNA Isolation Lab" on the page.)

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A new page of A Miracle of Science is up, with an added Christmas bonus: A new page of The Amazing Adventures of the Holo-Receptionist!

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Fred Coppersmith has politely transcribed two more mad rants from mental patient Stuart J. Trousers for our illumination.
The truth is, numbers are such an integral part of our lives, and yet how many of us can truly claim to understand them? How many of us really know what mathematicians are talking about when they use words like theorem, cosine, differential equation, and dear god in heaven why won't you stop hitting me with that hammer?

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The Mad Science Network provides a place on the Web where one can ask questions of a group of scientists and engineers and receive rational, correct answers. I love the Internet.

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21 December 2002 ::   It’s comforting to know that they’re out there. Hiding. In the dark. Probably with knives. Incredibly sharp and comforting knives. --Fred Coppersmith  
I'd call Fred Coppersmith a mad hatter, but that's too trite even for me.
Hats, too, should be comforting, and they should fit snugly atop your head. I'm sorry, but that’s just the way I see it. Whatever else you might say about them or whatever plots you might secretly suspect them of hatching late at night in the closet when you aren't looking, even if they are just hats fedoras are certainly capable of that much. They can fit easily atop a person’s head, as if they were designed for that very purpose.

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There are many odd words lurking in the depths of the English language. Fippenny bit is one of them, and apparently is from the area where I live. Mind you, it's also from two centuries ago...

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If CNN says it, it must be true: Trekkies aren't weird after all.

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Jessica Gothie

20 December 2002 ::   Hello Cleveland! Anarchy in Jingle Bell Land! Yowwwww!  
The polarization of the cosmic microwave background has been observed. The cosmic microwave background is the microwave remnant of the Big Bang.

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Fred Coppersmith's alter ego Stuart J. Trousers expounds this morning on Daylight Savings time travel, an idea which I wish I had thought of.
The upshot of all this, however, is that, because of Daylight Savings Time, you'll be reading this column an hour earlier than you would have last week. If you think about it as much as I have -- since, chained to a radiator, one has plenty of time to reflect -- this is a little like time travel. Except of course it isn't. With time travel, I'm sure there'd be flashing lights or glowing things or flying cars. There would be some sort of physics or weird-ass, complicated math out of a book or something, and it would probably involve more than just turning your clocks back an hour once a year. Call me crazy, but that’s just how it seems to me.

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BYU has instituted a rather ambitious project whose goal is to gather DNA from 100,000 people and correlate it with their genealogical data. They're looking for volunteers.

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19 December 2002 ::   This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years ago  
This one is going to make my wife quite happy: Hayao Miyazaki is directing an animated adaptation of the novel Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones.

New films are also expected from Katsuhiro Otomo (Akira) and Mamoru Oshii (Ghost in the Shell).

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Astronomers using the Keck telescope have discovered methane clouds on Titan that change over the course of hours.

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A new page of A Miracle of Science is up. Personal hydrofoils and handheld railguns feature prominently, just so you know it's the future.

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Note to Enron: If you're going to be evil, don't videotape yourself pretending to be evil.

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Noel Tominack
I may never eat fast food again after seeing the smarmy things McDonald's does to pander to local customers. This includes an attempt to forestall an Egyptian boycott of American goods by introducing the McFalafel, "rolled out behind an ad jingle sung by Shabaan Abdel Rahim, best known for his chart-topping hit 'I Hate Israel.'"

Did you know that McDonald's considered anti-Semitism a corporate value? Neither did I. But now that I know it, I'll be damned if they see any of my money ever again.

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18 December 2002 ::   There was an old man
From Tralee, who was stung in
Another verse form
 
His Lordship Fred, Count Coppersmith (KOBE) (Ret'd) (Mrs.) brings us two more enlightening and refreshing commentaries. The first is on the naming of aliens, a topic of grave importance if there ever was one, and the second is regarding unlicensed medical research, an issue which is less weighty but which nonetheless will effect how all of us live our lives in the future. Because, as we all know, the future is where we will spend the rest of our lives.
But getting back to my original point -- the imminent Bobification of weird-ass space invaders through the use of conveniently purchased nametags. Or rather, calling aliens Bob. I realize now that I pretty much exhausted everything I had to say about this in my first paragraph, and that I've really just been rambling since then, for which I blame both the stupidity of my original topic and that second Flaming Drano, which I should have known better than to drink and which has shot my short-term memory straight to hell ever since.

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Fred Coppersmith
Christmas is fast approaching, so I bring you another song parody, this time with a Christmas theme. Sort of.

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17 December 2002 ::   My parents went to a world without bilateral symmetry and all they brought back was this lousy P-shirt  
Once again, the erudite Professor Coppersmith has penned a missive on the state of the world today. This time his comments touch on the issue of sandwiches:
Want to know something? I like sandwiches. Not just any sandwich, of course -- I hate tuna fish with a fiery passion, for instance, and pimento loaf, while quite tasty, gives me a rash -- but overall, I think the basic idea of sandwiches is pretty keen. You've got a piece of bread, something on top of that, and then another piece of bread rounding out the mix. It’s a simple, can't-miss concept, like over-the-counter drugs, under-the-counter pornography, or the steam-powered orangutan.
I suspect I shall be repeating the last line of that paragraph until those around me grow tired of it. "Steam-powered orangutan." It has a certain cadence to it...

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Fred Coppersmith
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Editor is a clever song parody (presuming you know UNIX text editors), one among several parodies written by Australian Deborah Pickett.

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The effervescent Mark has asked where the quote from 5 December came from. The answer is: the bad-movie review site Jabootu, which used the sentence in a review of the movie R.O.T.O.R.. Also worthy of note is their review of Battlefield Earth, which picks the entire film apart scene by scene. Now I don't have to see the movie itself, which is - as I am sure you will understand - a great load off my mind.

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16 December 2002 ::   I'm Mister White Christmas. I'm Mister Snow. I'm Mister Icicle. I'm Mister Ten Below.  
Idle thought: If the Snow Miser never wants to see a day which is above 40 degrees, and the Heat Miser never wants to see a day which is below 60 degrees, does that mean they have a half-brother named Mild Miser who likes days that are between 40 and 60 Fahrenheit?

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The new page of A Miracle of Science is up. In it, Benjamin flourishes his gun and kicks a door open! Action! Excitement! Server farms!

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Sartre on Cooking:
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the ingredient in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.

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Jessica Gothie
This is pretty useful for when you're moving (as I will be doing in a few months): a USPS ZIP+4 lookup.

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14 December 2002 Missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.  
Thirty years ago today, Eugene Cernan was the last man to walk on the Moon. There hasn't been anyone else up there in thirty years. What a complete waste of a perfectly good natural satellite...

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More extreme silliness from Fred Coppersmith, this time regarding the evils of fruit.

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Fred Coppersmith

13 December 2002 ::   And let me just add that I don't think sex is all Thomas Mann quotes, coleslaw, naked pirates, and household appliances --Fred Coppersmith  
The recipe is from the first third of the last century, and merely looking at it adds five pounds to your waist., but Jessica affirms that this is the best cake recipe known to modern man.

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Jessica Gothie
Mr. Coppersmith is pushing forward the frontiers of ignorance* with a short essay on Thomas Mann and the purpose of knowledge:
But, in truth, who hasn’t yearned to be someone else? At one point or another, I’m sure we’ve all imagined different lives for ourselves, envisioned new names and exotic locales, siphoned funds from that corporate account to pay for forged passports, travel expenses, and the inevitable hush money when the police discover you didn’t really die in that warehouse fire back in ‘87.
* Or is that "pushing back the frontiers of ignorance"? I can never keep those straight.

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Fred Coppersmith
Conspicuous consumption taken to its ultimate realization: shoes with built-in Gameboy handheld video game systems.

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Craig Powell
Glenn calls Location Earth Dog Tags "unique Christmas gifts for your favorite X-Files fan, conspiracy theorist, or the mentally unstable."

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Glenn Juskiewicz

12 December 2002 ::   Don't you go thinking I'm just any mad scientist!  
A Miracle of Science, now with added holoreceptionist for whitening!

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Another odd little play-in-the-car-on-long-trips game: French Toast. There is also the game Mafia, which probably is not safe to play in the car as it involves closing one's eyes.

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I present for your amusement Bite Me, a comic about an unlikely trio of vampires in the French Revolution. Goofy, dark, and beautifully illustrated. The comic's home site is having some sort of issue, so the artist is uploading new pages to a temporary site.

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11 December 2002 ::   Think of how many new things there are out there for him to not understand  
Exactly thirty years ago this moment (December 11, 1972 at 19:54:57 UT / 2:54:57 p.m. EST) Apollo 17 landed on the Moon. This was the last time we went to the Moon. Thirty years ago.

It's a damned shame, really...

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Jupiter's moon Amalthea is apparently of such low density that it is probably a collection of loose rubble held together by mutual gravitation.

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Speaking of tornadoes, the USGS has put together a map showing tornado risk areas in the conterminous United States which is interesting. According to the text accompanying the map, "a tornado of significant strength would be expected to occur once every 2000 years, at each point in the area shown." This means that in some places (central Kansas and Oklahoma, southern Illinois, and northwestern Pennsylvania, among others) you will see a twister in every single square inch of the landscape over the course of a couple of millennia. The combined area which will be scoured by tornadoes over the course of a few thousand years is significantly larger than Alaska.

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Frank Polifka is a 73-year-old farmer from Kansas who has invented a tornado in a can, a device which can turn anything from eggshells to rocks into powder in just a few moments.
Some day, this machine could make a fortune for Polifka and his partners. But at the moment, the machine is broken, or at least that's what it sounds like.

Engineers shut it down and quickly huddle, mulling over a complex mathematical solution they think might help them fix the noise.

But Polifka, a stocky man with a snow-white beard and twinkling eyes, just opens the machine, grabs a broom handle and pokes at a flap of metal inside the cone. The adjustment made, he shuts the machine and starts it again. The noise is gone. In its place is the powerful hum of air, contained in the six-foot-diameter funnel Polifka modeled after the tornadoes he watched while growing up.

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10 December 2002 ::   Actually I'm only 85% Craig and 15% miscellaneous debris that I've picked up in life, much like a slow moving glacier --Craig Powell  
Douglas Starr, a professor of journalism at Texas A&M University and sonarman on the USS Nicholas during World War Two, tells about life on a US Navy destroyer during the war:
Despite the harshness and perils of life in a destroyer at sea, and the dangers of war, destroyer sailors would take no other duty. Few ever transfer to larger ships; fewer voluntarily. Duty in a destroyer, in war or peace, in fair winds or foul seas, is a grand adventure, one that ought not be missed.

Because of destroyers’ small size and light construction and their constant rolling and pitching at sea, they are called (derisively by crews of larger ships, but affectionately by their own crews) “tin cans” or “cans.” The appellation applies equally to the crews. In truth, such ships and their crews really “can.” From the beginning, destroyers “have done,” and there’s no doubt that they will continue “to do!”

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Pink Floyd plus the opening credits for Enterprise equals 4 MB of cool, understated humor. It's timed almost perfectly. Vaguely creepy.

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9 December 2002 ::   A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.  
Press "1" if you think we'll be getting angry voice mails about the design of the holographic receptionist in the newest page of A Miracle of Science.

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The USGS and Army Corps of Engineers researched subsidence in the Wissinoming section of Philadelphia and, by comparing maps from 1889 and 2000, discovered that the subsidence is occurring in areas where entire creeks were filled in to create new land for housing. Using this information, the researchers have predicted which areas are likely to have been built on fill and therefore may subside in the future. Fascinating stuff.

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I admire people who have magnificent obsessions. This Enterprise from Star Trek made out of LEGOs, designed with a CAD system and partly glued together, is certainly obsessive. The builder collected LEGO blocks on eBay like a trapdoor spider launching itself out of the ground to ensnare lunch, gathering whatever he needed whenever he needed it. The end result is impressive and very, very gray.

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Craig Powell

6 December 2002 ::   All the elf girls will scream and sucker MCs will skulk away into the deep dark hidden places of the world  
Ha! Someone from Cable and Wireless (at 204.71.251.56) found this site via a Google search for C&W's industry nickname, Clueless and Witless.

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During lunch I watched CNN. I discovered that Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is leaving the Cabinet. One of the two names being floated to replace O'Neill is Phil Gramm.

Wait a second. Didn't Gramm deregulate Enron's industry, helping precipitate the disastrous crash of Enron's energy futures market? And wasn't his wife on Enron's board? Weren't there strong rumors that O'Neill offered to quit during the depths of the Enron scandal a few months ago, and wasn't Gramm a possible replacement at that time as well? Why, yes, all this is true! Does George Bush know anyone who isn't a freaking white-collar criminal with ties to Enron?

I just keep telling myself we get a shot at electing someone to the White House in 2004. At this point, I'd vote for a dead goat as long as it wasn't a member of the Bush clan.

Note to self: start Dead Goat Party.

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Straight outta Hobbiton: Lords of the Rhymes. I guarantee this is the first rap single ever to contain a few lines of Tolkien Elvish. Very, very funny. Read the promo site, listen to the song. Just be careful not to download it near Mom; there are copious obscenities.
My rhymes are hotter than the cracks of doom.
The orcs got bass, but we got boom.
Me and Dil be rockin rooms
From the Misty Mountains to the Gulf of Lhun.

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There are few things more disturbing than a scam to steal money from the impoverished and ill. Millennia Hope is selling a pill they call Malarex to nations in Africa, claiming it is a malaria drug. However, irregularities abound. The compound in the Malarex pills has barely been tested on humans or animals. Capsules of the compound don't contain the purported drug (voacamine) in its pure form, but instead a crude extract of it. There is another company which sells a drug called Malarex which is a proven malaria-fighter. Millennia Hope claims a partnerships with Malaria Foundation International, whose president says she has never dealt with them. And a number of malaria researchers consider the whole thing a crock of lies.

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5 December 2002 ::   Cue the drum machine as Our Hero Dr. Capt. Barrett Coldyron lays down with the exposition  
The fossilized skeleton of an ankylosaur which occasionally answers to the name Strom Thurmond turned 100 today, capping a career that included racism, sexism, and a general dogged adherence to superannuated power.

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If scientists at the University of Colorado are correct, the water-formed valleys on Mars were caused by meteor storms that warmed the surface of the planet above the freezing point of water for a few decades at a time. This makes the rise of life on Mars much less likely.

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Researchers Wei-Min Shen and Peter Will are researching self-assembling robots in the hopes of creating a space station that builds itself.

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The next page of A Miracle of Science is up. Ever notice how Benjamin's response to anything out of the ordinary is to go for his railpistol?

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DarkSky is a tool which will tell you how light-polluted the sky is where you live, and which will suggest locations near you which are less prone to light pollution. The clickable imagemap is broken, but the Java applet works just fine.

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Surreal or pathetic? You decide!

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4 December 2002 ::   I'm not sure I can picture Nidavellir as a summon. I keep getting this image of Yuna calling out "Come, O Delaware and smite our Enemies with your chemical industry!" --Mike Ryan  
A huge sodium tail stretches half a million miles behind the Moon, a thin exosphere of gas that surrounds our satellite like an invisible fog.

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The techniques of forgery grow more inexpensive and more perfect with each passing year. Good thing the US Mint is going to be giving us shiny new monopoly money very shortly.

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3 December 2002 ::   Ah, the morally bankrupt violent little man  
Michael Kinsley takes a well-aimed potshot at journalism as it pertains to Google News and the journalist's usual lassitude in the face of anything that doesn't affect or inconvenience journalists.
Throughout the revolution of technology and globalization that has been going on for two decades, responsible mainstream commentators, pundits, analysts, and miscellaneous gasbags (including this one) have taken the view that progress is a good thing. Some people are unfortunately caught in the gears of change, but society as a whole benefits. It's not very complicated if you know a bit of economics. You've got your "invisible hand" (that's free markets), you've got your "comparative advantage" (that's free trade), you've got your "perennial gale of creative destruction" (that's competition and new technology), you've got your "can't make an omelet without breaking eggs" (that's attributed to Joseph Stalin, but never mind). The losers in this process deserve sympathy and help, but special pleading must not be allowed to thwart or slow this process.

We must distinguish, however, between special pleading and legitimate alarm about deeply troubling developments. It is one thing to sacrifice textile workers and auto workers on the altar of progress. It is quite another to start throwing journalists into the flames. And the difference is? Well, it's very different. Completely different. Couldn't be more different, quite frankly, my good madam, because … because … well, it occurs to me that I'm a journalist. This puts the whole situation in a new perspective.

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Norse mythology, strange yet familiar.

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2 December 2002 ::   One would think most intelligent adults would realize this was satire, given that the Web site was allegedly written by Satan  
A Miracle of Science is approaching Ganymede. Please return your tray tables to the upright and locked position.

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The life of Caesar is a picture in miniature of Roman politics at the end of the Republic.

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The comprehensive Photographic Atlas of the Moon is online, again thanks to the fine and civic-minded people at the Lunar and Planetary Institute.
The Lunar Orbiter Photographic Atlas of the Moon by Bowker and Hughes (NASA SP-206) is considered the definitive reference manual to the global photographic coverage of the Moon. The images contained within the atlas are excellent for studying lunar morphology because they were obtained at low to moderate Sun angles. The digital Lunar Orbiter Atlas of the Moon is a reproduction of the 675 plates contained in Bowker and Hughes. The digital archive, however, offers many improvements upon its original hardbound predecessor. Images in the archive have been enhanced using a destriping technique to provide the best photo quality possible.

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